So, you might have noticed, I haven't published in quite a while. It's not that I lack ideas (I have plenty) or motivation (I have some of that too), I believe it is a bit more than that. I feel lost. And before getting back on my usual schedule with my usual posts I felt like I needed to talk with you face to face (or keyboard to screen, you get me).
I feel lost
It is not new. I think I have always been lost in a way. Lost in my thoughts, lost in my projects, lost in this world in general. I think way too much for my own good and before I know it, I'm overwhelmed in a sea of thoughts that sometimes tend to turn dark.
I feel lost, I feel phased out, I feel stressed. I struggle to explain my emotions because I struggle to understand them in the first place. I have this overwhelming feeling of pain, this ball of stress that plays flipper in my stomach. For once, I have the guts to say it: I'm not okay and I can't handle everything.
I know I shouldn't, but to be honest, I feel ashamed feeling like this and even more ashamed about writing it here, on the internet. But I needed to take those thoughts out of my mind and to write them down. First for me, as a way to get them out of my system; then for people who struggle like me and have the same issues, just so they know they are not alone.
Running out of time
I'm always running and, as it seems, always running out of time. If I had always been like that (needed to feel that I was making the most of my time), it has started to become an illness. Nowadays I don't know how to be bored. If I'm not active, whether on purpose (like deciding not to do anything on a weekend) or not (procrastinating on something) I start feeling extremely bad and guilty.
I suffered through burnout in 2015 and, I now realize that I never really recovered from it. I'm constantly going up and down on this roller coaster they call life, and it's messing me up. There is nothing more frustrating than knowing I will never be out of the cage that is my mind, that I will never be as efficient and active as I was before.
I always knew that I was my own worst enemy, but I never expected the fight to be so hard. I know that I will fight until the end to find my way out of the darkness, but how long is this tunnel, when will I be out?
All credits for the cover picture of this post go to John Silliman on Unsplash.
What about you?
This article is not meant to be a call for help, nor is it a self-pity post. I just wanted to share what complex emotions I had on my heart and mind. However, if you ever suffered through similar feelings I would be more than happy to talk about it with you in the comments!
Last updated: a year ago