21 years, 252 months, 7665 days, 183 960 hours, and 11 037 600 seconds: that’s how long I’ve been on this Earth. And for all this time, I can’t remember a second when I was not stressing out, feeling fear or getting anxious over something. When you stress more than you even breathe, it’s not just a regular problem you need to fix, it’s a chronic illness.
Who are you, anyway?
I would argue that I’m alright though… just like anyone who knows me would tell you. People usually like me, I’m doing alright in school, good things keep happening to me… yeah, I’m definitely doing alright. I mean… why wouldn’t I? How could someone who everyone seems to know to say that he doesn’t know himself?
Yet… popular belief never made anything true. Ever since my childhood, I’ve been so focused on making other people happy, making them proud, and preventing them from being disappointed in me. I’ve worked so hard on becoming a solution in their life that I became a problem on my own. Just like Arya in Game Of Thrones, I feel like a many-faces man who forgot what he looks like.
Who are you, in all these reflections of you?Stop hiding from yourself
I’m not at peace and I no longer fear to admit it. I’m scared, I have doubts and most of all I am lost. But, I no longer want to hide behind laughs and fake smiles. I no longer want to be pretending when I could just choose to be myself, unapologetically.
Rather than a call for help, this post is a letter of hope. Hope that I will find and be happy with myself eventually. Hope that everything will make sense in the end. It won’t be an easy road, but it is one I am now willing to take.
Today, I’m forgiving the past,
I’m accepting the present,
and I’m choosing to design my own future.
——
For those who are on the same path as I am, please remember that you are not alone. You are not crazy or abnormal. Hell, you are not even late in anything. You’re right where you should be right now and it’s okay not to have all of the answers yet. Both you and I will get there eventually, I promise.
In the meantime, please remember that my inbox is always open. If you feel alone or if you feel the world heavy on your shoulders then please reach out to me, I will be more than happy to listen and share the weight.
Last updated: 2 years ago