Hi friends,

So, you might have noticed, I haven’t published in quite a while. It’s not that I lack ideas (I have plenty) or motivation (I have some of that too), I believe it is a bit more than that. I feel lost. And before getting back on my usual schedule with my usual posts I felt like I needed to talk with you face to face (or keyboard to screen, you get me).

I feel lost

It is not new. I think I have always been lost in a way. Lost in my thoughts, lost in my projects, lost in this world in general. I think way too much for my own good and before I know it, I’m overwhelmed in a sea of thoughts that sometimes tend to turn dark.

I feel lost, I feel phased out, I feel stressed. I struggle to explain my emotions because I struggle to understand them in the first place. I have this overwhelming feeling of pain, this ball of stress that plays flipper in my stomach. For once, I have the guts to say it: I’m not okay and I can’t handle everything.

I know I shouldn’t, but to be honest, I feel ashamed feeling like this and even more ashamed about writing it here, on the internet. But I needed to to take those thoughts out of my mind and to write them down. First for me, as a way to get them out of my system; then for people who struggle like me and have the same issues, just so they know they are not alone.

Running out of time

I’m always running and, as it seems, always running out of time. If I had always been like that (needed to feel that I was making the most of my time), it has started to become an illness. Nowadays I don’t know how to be bored. If I’m not active, whether on purpose (like deciding to not to do anything on a week-end) or not (procrastinating on something) I start feeling extremely bad and guilty.

I suffered through a burn out in 2015 and, I now realise that I never really recovered from it. I’m constantly going up and down on this roller coaster they call life, and it’s messing me up. There is nothing more frustrating than knowing I will never be out of the cage that is my mind, that I will never be as efficient and active as I was before.

I always knew that I was my own worst enemy, but I never expected the fight to be so hard. I know that I will fight until the end to find my way out of the darkness, but how long is this tunnel, when will I be out?

All credits for the cover picture of this post go to  John Silliman  on Unsplash.

What about you ?

This article is not meant to be a call for help, nor is it a self-pity post. I just wanted to share what complex emotions I had on my heart and mind. Though, if you ever suffered through similar feelings I would be more than happy to talk about it with you in the comments!ย 

 

4 Comments

  1. Oh I’m so sorry you are feeling this way, but I completely understand your feelings. I can’t make my mind shut up, even when I really want it to haha and I feel like I should always be doing something, always be on the move, otherwise I’m just, losing my time? And even when I do tons of things, I feel like I never have enough time to do everything. You are not alone in feeling this way,that’s for sure.
    I think what matters is that you know, already, that something is wrong and that your brain needs to rest, too. I’m struggling with that, too, but I’m trying to set some down time, force myself to do nothing and be inactive, even if it’s for a couple of minutes. Otherwise, the burn out comes back hard and fast and it’s just the worst thing haha. It’s important to take some time for yourself, to relax, to just, chat with a friend, let your brain melt in front of a stupid reality tv show and just, try to relax your mind. You can do this, I believe in you.
    Always here if you need to talk about it as well, you know where to find me! Sending you loads of love, positivity and relaxing thoughts. Like, puppies or something? hahaha ๐Ÿ™‚ <3

    • Thank you so much Marie. Thank you for your message and thank you for making me understand that I’m not alone, you have no idea how much it means! Yes the worst part about that type of situation is when we are denying it. When we are lost but we don’t want to acknowledge it yet. Then we keep pushing and pushing and pushing again and every time it gets more frustrating. You’re right with everything you said, if we want to prevent the burn out from going back over and over again we need to anticipate and start taking care of ourselves, now. Even if it’s only a few minutes like you say!

      I’m always here for you if you need to talk Marie. And I mean it! I won’t find it weird if you just pop up in my DMs to rant about anything, even if it’s just about the weather! Thank you again Marie and I’m sending loads of love, positivity and good thoughts right back at ya ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ’›

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